23 Years

23 Years ago I held him in my arms. He was born and I understand that while I was in labor the waiting room filled up with all kinds of people. Friends and Family were waiting for him to be born. Boasts where made, wagers placed but once he was born all that mattered was that he was alive and he that had his birth-father's nose. The hospital let us do things that were not normally done, everyone that had waited for his arrival was able to see him; I was kept in the delivery room way past time for me to be moved to my room. I had some time when it was just he and I where I told him just how much I loved him, how I hoped that some day he would understand, forgive me, and want to see me again. Then his Mom and Dad came in, they were so happy I don't think she ever stopped smiling. It gave me peace. The hospital allowed our friends and family meet him, to see him. They did it again on the day that we both were released from the hospital, we were able to see him one more time, hold him, and allow his Great-great-grandmother meet him. Again I knew what I was doing was right that they were right.

Yesterday I met him again. I was given a chance to know my Son. He wanted to know me, to know his siblings. To be part of our lives. I am blessed. Spending the day with him was beyond everything I could imagine. I found out things that we shared traits, likes, dislikes and hobbies. Things that he does or says are very much like his birth-father. He punched a hole in the ceiling to make the neighbors be quite much to the delight of Fiona, she thinks he is very strong. His laugh sounds like his birth-father. He reads like I do, even some of the same books, even let Brennan borrow some books. Danni and he have taken the same sociology class they even traded ideas and authors names. I watched him talk with Danni and Brennan about all kinds of things. I watched his face, he has my eyes, my Grandfathers chin, my curly hair and of course his birth-father's nose. I found my self just watching him listening to him. He talked about things that we agreed on like how books are better than the movies they are based or how he likes fish and hates large cities.

I gave him up for adoption when I was 17. It was the single hardest thing that I ever did in my life. He was always a part of me, someone that I have thought about all the time. I almost never thought that I would get the chance to meet him to be a part of his life. But he hugged me, he called me Mom, he told me he loved me and admired me. And I held him for the first time in 23 years.

Seeing History

Last night I was able to watch my kids "see" history.

I was blessed to know my Great Grandmother. Even more so that she was around to meet Danni (five generations) and she passed at the ripe old age of 104 one month before Brennan was born. She was born the eldest of 13 kids, she went to school in a one room school house, grew up on a vineyard, worked for C&H and left her first husband because he was abusing her, one of her husbands worked on the railroads and she traveled the country with him, one of her sons died in WWII, and she used to make applesauce and canned all her own fruit. In her later years she did a very complete genealogy of the family the old fashion way by writing letters, my sister and I helped her since at that point she was legally blind. Her birthday was right before the 4th of July and that was her very favorite holiday. She lived by herself until right before she passed away. She was one of the strongest people I knew. She saw a lot of history and she was often amazed by it all. I often wondered what I would be able to look back on and say I saw in the making.

Last night was one of those moments that I KNEW I was seeing history. We all watched both speeches... Fiona was a little confused she finally just said "But Mommy who is the President? I don't understand" So we tried to explain to her that the first guy was saying he wasn't running for President anymore and the second guy was the new President, I think she got it... She did understand that the two little girls on the stage were getting a new puppy and that he was a good parent for getting them a new puppy.

I will remember that my oldest was able to vote in this very important election, that my son was interested in the democratic processes and that the little one was immersed in the whole process even if she didn't understand it all. Danni won't remember the wall coming down just two weeks after she was born and Brennan won't remember that the 'cold war' was declared over just days after he was born, but this is something they do understand and will be able to tell their grandchildren like my Great Grandmother told me about her very first time being allowed to vote and how she demonstrated for the right to vote. I remember as a child watching the first steps on the moon, I was two, but I remember pieces and snips about the day the adults all being very happy about something and standing around the TV. Later on in life I asked Mom about the day and she said that my memories match what happened that day...

I am hoping that Fiona being six will remember this day even if it is only to remember that two little girls with dresses that she liked got a new puppy.

A Good Start

So last night we (the voting people in the family) were talking about the current Props that are up for a vote this Nov (or sooner if you mail in your ballot). Since this is the first discussion so far we really just looked at the basics of each one with out really digging down deep. Now in the household we have three very different generational ideas going on. It was very cool to hear what some things each one of us thought was important and how we viewed each and every issue. Some issues were very volatile while others we all seemed to be thinking the same way. Of course there was the whole well if you would like this to end up one way make sure you vote this way... very confusing.

One of the issues that I didn't think would really generate a lot of conversion was the speed train issue (Prop 1~ I think) the amount of money and how it would be paid back and does it ever really get paid back? Would it be a benefit, would people use it? Would people be able to afford to use it? The IDEA is great... but would it pay for its self like they are projecting? Personally I hope it does pass. And I hope they do build it.

The other one that Danni had real issues with was the abortion one where the Doctors must inform the parents of a un-emancipated minors 48 hours before they perform an abortion. She really went back and forth on this one, on one hand she wondered why the Doctor would have to inform the parents. And then she wondered what right did the Doctor have to inform the parents. Like I told her I would hope that any child of mine would be able to come to me and let me know what was going on and if not me then one of the trusted adults that are around. She just smiled and agreed with me.

All in all I think it was a good conversation.

Where to go?

Its odd the last few years have been in a state of flux.

Not knowing what to do, not knowing how to do it, not knowing if what I am doing is the right thing. I need to move forward, to stop just standing still just hoping that no one will notice that I am really just afraid of what comes next. Of the hard choices I have to make since no one else will. About the only things I don't need to 'change' are my job (THANK GOD) and my kids. Everything else is up for grabs.

I have always said I want to finish school. So do I start that now? How do I start that? How do I manage that? I am back to being a single Mom... and in there lies another choice. Honestly I don't like being a single Parent but at the same time I really am not sure I know how to be a parent with anyone else. Even when I have had a partner it was never a full partnership. Then there is money, the kids, school, work, and play. Medical things that I have been putting off.

So do I start with a list of things to do? A game plan? I guess right now it just starts with a list then a game plan. So list, of things that need to be done, that I would like to have done, things that I/we need and things that I/we want. Wow looks like I have work to do.

This week…

This week…
Has been such a mixture of all kinds of emotions and experiences in some ways it has really been a bad week and in others it’s been a very rewarding week.
Everything from very simple pleasures like the girls washing my truck or listening to Fiona talk to her new pink dog named Fifi “no Fifi you don’t need a leash you are a stuff animal” and then having her tell me “Mommy I have powers to make my stuff animals real!”
To receiving praise and acknowledgements for talents that I have and haven’t really been using a lot of lately and feeling very proud of myself. Sometimes it is the littlest things that make your day like someone telling you that you did well.
To extremely bad moments this week like the realization that things will never be the same and that truly is really a very sad thought.
To also getting bad news at work, I interviewed for a job (kind of a promotion) and I didn’t get it. In the whole scope of things I still have a job and they love the job I am doing but very disappointing to say the least.
To working for www.handsonbayarea.org the company I work for organized a “Community Day” where we shut down the offices. Everyone from the President to Sales people to Warehouse people went out to different projects around the Napa/ Sonoma county area and did everything from painting to pulling weeds to sorting food for the local food banks. IT was HOT! It was a GREAT day it really felt good to do something not work but still work. If that makes any sense at all I am not sure that it does.
That’s my week in a nutshell. It was all over the place.

Just an Update... fast and dirty

Well the first two months of this year have been busy but not full to the point of no relaxing. We have been able to spend time with family and friends.
I attended the Sea Dogs Xmas exchange it was great fun as always. The kids and I also had a great time with 12th night!! My Mom got a puppy, which means we have a puppy when we go camping this summer. Then came, Brennan’s 16th birthday, which was celebrated with a small fanfare. We did manage to make it up to the snow for a great weekend at Snowflower, the place were we normally spend many a camping weekend. The kids were quite pleased to find out how Snowflower got its name… Whew that was just January!! February has been a little quieter, babysat for friends for the weekend, two birthday parties and one crab feed… I am helping to teach a sewing class.

March proves to be very FUN. I leave for Paris on the 12th I can’t wait I am going with a few friends and leaving the kids at home (NOT by themselves) it will be a good trip. Its not like I NEED to get away from them, this is a trip that has been in the works for about a year and a half… When I turned 39 I was bemoaning the fact that 40 was just around the corner so the idea that was posed by friends was to go on a big trip I chose Paris… And we are really doing it we opened it up to whom ever wanted to with us! There are seven people going should be so much fun, I love to travel. I had to get a new passport I have been haunting Paris websites. Making lists of places I would like to go, things that I would like to see, things that I have to pack. I will be flying by myself, something I NEVER have done. Spending a whole day in France by myself and truly I can’t wait!!!

I have to say it was odd making all the arrangements for this trip, choosing the seats on the airplane for one, looking for a hotel for one. When the idea was first broached I thought my hubby would be going with me but in the last year in a half we have separated. I also thought that my best friend/sister would be going also it was mostly her idea… But her ‘real’ sister is getting married this weekend across the country so two trips in the same month is not in the cards. My other best friend/sister is going but she will be arriving several days after me but I am so looking forward to this trip so I am on the plane by myself… which on one hand sounds pretty GREAT and on the other is sounds a little well scary.

The best news is I will have some kind of computer in Paris and internet access… so I will try and post to here while I am gone if for no other reason to keep it all straight in my own head.